Ok, so I wrote a post entitled “untitled” and I published it but then I un-published it. I still want to say it, but parts of it just were/are “too” fucking depressing. So here is PART of what I said then, and maybe I’ll edit this more later…
Sex can be a beautiful thing, but exploitation and oppression and patriarchy and capitalism and all of that shit have overwhelmed me.
The truth is often just so sad. I want to say what is true, but… But that is just fucking depressing.
I guess I am doing it now anyways. I feel able to do this only because nobody ever reads this and I also can delete this at any time.
Ok, so, I joined this website that is a fetish sort of website for feederism. I realized sort of immediately that I had no actual clue what the term meant. I joined because I had had this experience of “fooling around” with a guy who was really overweight and I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed it. And I sort of didn’t want to think about what that might mean, and then one day I was like “fuck that, repression has never led to anything good ever”. But… after thinking about it a hell of a lot I don’t think it matters very much to me sexually what a person weighs. Do I even have a preference about weight? I am not even sure about that at this point. I have enjoyed sex totally with some guys who were so skinny you could call them emaciated. I thought (and still think) they were incredibly cute. Also, I am actually quite offput by guys who are tall, and yet I have had sex with a guy who is about 6’11″ and it was really good too. So, ultimately, what matters to me is who someone is as a person. And I sort of feel like crying when I am presented with evidence that says that other people are not like me in that way.
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Ok, so that above stuff is part of what I wrote before. I leave out the angry bits, but I would maybe like to try to re-write the angry bits in a new way.
The angry bits are mostly about how I feel like I’ve been made into a feminist against my will. What I mean by that is something I could write for days about, but let me try to just summarize it like this: There was a video I watched online about a week ago of some college guy providing his own meant-to-be-amusing take on current events. And it was pretty funny… up until the part where he decided to just show pictures of bikini models for no reason. Before I began this journey into the internet, I probably would have laughed at that part too. But I could only laugh at that because I have led a life where I shelter myself from the real world quite a lot. I make sure that I am NOT exposed to shit like that very often, because frankly, I can’t handle it. Having been on the internet a lot lately, I see bikini models everywhere, and I can’t keep pretending that it is only “other” women (you know, those ones who wear makeup and stuff) who are objectified by this and by seemingly everything else too. But I don’t want to be one of “those” people who have no sense of humor. 3 months ago I could have laughed at that video, and now I can’t, and that sucks.
And then, as if my life were not confusing enough, there is this:
It would be really easy to just say that “other people” are “shallow” but that isn’t how I feel either. I have always sort of wished I could enjoy things like one-night stands, they sound pretty fun. But that is just not “me”. And figuring out who I am – well I don’t really know all about it even now, but what I do know feels pretty hard-won. And then I get a new medical diagnosis that fucks that all up. I happen to reside in a place that society deems the moral high ground, but according to medical professionals, my lack of interest in sex outside of the context of a real actual person whom I respect, well apparently this lack of interest is just a side effect of a hormone disorder. But you know what? I’m actually rather glad that the little white pills they gave me make me puke my guts out, because honestly, I don’t think I want to be “cured” anyhow…
So if there is a moral to the story here, I guess it is that no one should ever listen to me, because I might just be on drugs. (Yes, estrogen is a drug.)
